Letter to my "Pride" (eldest son) Written 11-11-11

Welcome to a fragment of my imagination! Despite all my recent college studies, my brain is still exploding to write so I have decided to take a moment to entertain my blog readers. What you are about to read is just the outermost surface of how I think, however, it will also expose to you a very deep spot in my heart since it is based on my child.

I have a blog waiting to be posted called: "My Pride and Joy," I want to mention it to you to display how special my boys are individually. I have always said: My oldest is my Pride and My youngest is my Joy. It may sound strange that I could give them such particular descriptions but it has rang true thus far. This blog is about my oldest son. In contrast to my facebook page you may have noticed that I do not use names on my blogspot, just a personal preference of mine...BUT if you know me then you know who my oldest son is :)

Please be warned that this is an just a thought process of mine based on accumulated truths but "of course" there is no way that I could predict the future. Please enjoy the following letter created for an interesting read:

Dear Eldest Son,
I write this letter to you with no intentions of ever giving it to you. Should my intuitions become reality I would then hand this letter over to you. In the case that your life direction turns in another unique direction, this letter will be dismissed as an overactive imagination of momma...it will then remain tucked away in a journal that you may or may not come across in later years. Dear Son, I have always felt you were a different sort of child. The very first day that I laid eyes on you I felt a pride that I cannot explain. My first thought was "he looks like a little man"...I have never stopped looking at you that way, a child beyond your actual birth age. I noticed as you mastered each new milestone, you were way ahead of schedule. At thirteen months old you became the "big boy brother" and I felt guilt that you missed out on being mommas baby. As I look back I see things that God was doing to prepare you for your future. I finally started adding things up when you were around age four. My aha moment told me that...There was a very good chance that you would choose to be an American soldier. I surpressed the thoughts and even tried to discourage you when you would insinuate such a thing. One day I went as far as to say, "You could die and I would never see you again"...you answered: "I'll come back home mom!" You wanted your bedroom painted green and decorated in GI Joe. You wanted "real" military stuff for decor and I searched the antiques shops tirelessly for two weeks to find the perfect artifacts to represent each of the different military branches. A few times I ventured to wonder if you would be a troubled child due to your interest for guns, knives, and fighting for the things you wanted. I began to pray to God every night, that HE would to start protecting you now and teaching me the right things to do and say, to keep you on an honorable path. July 4th after your fifth birthday, you took special interest in American flags, you and a young boy at church took a solo verse together that went like this "we live in a country, the greatest on earth, her flag stands for freedon and what it is worth, she stands in the harbor miss liberty calls, all have gave some but some have a gave all for me to be blessed." It seems you memorized the pledge of alliegence the very first day of kindergarten. Your excitement was bubbling over when you found out you would gather around the flag in honor of 9/11. You begged to learn the words of the song that was sang at the assembly, so we looked it up on youtube and sang God Bless the USA for days. On hat day you insisted to wear a soldiers hat that we had bought at the flea market a couple of weeks prior..you dressed in your camo and with an American flag shirt under and carried you soldier backpack proudly. The owner of the hat had told us of the story of her brother and his illness from pre-vaccinations before leaving for Iraq. Soon after he was home his body gave away and he was confined to a wheelchair and soon his life ended. I could not understand why she would sell such a special momento but felt a warmness that we were fortunate to have bought it. As Veterans Day approached and I began to remember the many family members of my own who had proudly served...it hit me like a ton of bricks, "it is in your blood"...I don't know how it got there because there is no immediate family influence on you (save a first cousin of mine, being a second cousin of yours) but it must be in your blood! Dear God...NO!! Please No!! I do not want to give my son. I prayed for a son and indeed you blessed me two-fold BUT BUT BUT...I cannot spare even one of my children!! This world is entirely too wicked, they are trying to remove YOU from our great America, I cannot allow him to go fight for people like that!!!
Suddenly,....In the most clear tone, the sweetest voice of God that you have ever heard said: "I know, I have been there too...Its okay!"
I began to direct my thoughts in a way that I could already see HIS divine blessings on my family. God loved me enough to go ahead and warn me and prepare me. I am very reluctant to even think of the fact that in less than thirteen years my son could make his own decision to serve his country. God was preparing you as well, I just know that you will accept God in your heart because I feel a strong sense that there is a job for you to do, almost like it happened with Jeremiah in the Bible--God knew him and prepared him in the womb. Speaking of womb, you came from my womb with a scar on your left side near your ribs, I joke and say God has already prepared you a wife, my mind has ventured to explore other possible meaning of the scar, when chances are... you simply scratched yourself in utero.
Dear son, God is preparing you. I am thinking more clearly now trying to swallow down the consideration that I am the cause for such a decision, my parenting style could be interpreted as a drill sargeant in regards to be accountable, punctual, and trustworthy, demanding a daily family routine. I see that you were born with a take-charge spirit and felt so proud of your independance to help care for your brother. I found myself trusting you to handle the job you volunteered to do, I would almost laugh at myself when I thought of the absurdity that you could fix your own cereal, or hush your brother to sleep. I shudder to remember the protector role that you did not hesitate to armor yourself with when your daddy would experience a heath problem and you would keep your brother occupied in the next room over to be sure he wasn't scared. My heart aches when I recall how tough you always have to be and how seldom you would admit that something hurt. I always say "if he cries, run to him, he is hurt!"
On the other hand I see a soft, tender love for people behind that tough boy facade. I see a little boy who loves to give things away, you are not very materialistic at all and you have gave your toys away even at the rebuttal of your mother. You would wince at another persons pain and beg for us to help them, your concern for animals is so intense. Could any or all of these instances be "on purpose," ways to mold you for your future or it is clearly coincidental? Only time will reveal the the conclusion of this letter. No matter what you are your mommas pride!"

I love you!!
Mother
11-11-11

****Hope you enjoyed a briefing of my imagination for a day, God Bless!!****